A Hedgehog Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!
by markzilla6895
Summary: A parody of A Colbert Christmas.
1. Another Christmas Song

On Christmas Eve, in a mountain cabin, Mark the Hedgehog was playing a song on a piano to the tune of "Jingle Bells."

Mark: _Jingle Man, Christmas Boy._ If only there was something that rhymed with 'boy.' (He turns his head to face the reader) Oh, hello! I didn't see you there, a lone full wall of my mountain cabin. I'm Fanfiction hero, Mark the Hedgehog. (Fake applause sound effect) And this is my favorite time of year: Christmas. In fact, I'm so excited right now, I'm sporting a yule log. And I'm just putting the final touches on a new Christmas carol before I head down to the dojo to tape my new big Christmas special. It's gonna have it all: Carolers, elves, a freshly hobbled Tiny Tim (pulls out a baseball bat), and of course goats dressed as reindeer! They're a lot cheaper and you can't tell the difference on camera. And my special guest is one of my best friends and rock star: Nakita Kitsune. You know, I think I have a picture of him somewhere. (A picture of Nakita appears in front of Mark) Thanks Jimmy! That's him. Nakita Kitsune. Of, 'Nakita Kitsune' is just a stage name. His real name is Deckland Patrick Go Merrybuttons. Now for my younger audience, he's like an older male Avril Legvine. But instead of skateboarding, he sings about people dying in shipyards. And I'm writing all new Christmas carols folks. Don't get me wrong. I love 'White Christmas' and 'Silver Bells' and 'Puff the Magic Dragon.' But I've found out when you sing those old holiday standards, someone else gets the royalty check. Doesn't sound like Christmas to me. So instead, I'm writing all the songs. Like this one here. Hit it! (Music starts to play)

_Ho! It's another Christmas song  
>Whoa! Get ready brother for another Christmas song<br>They play for a month, Ad infinitum  
>One day it struck me someone must write 'em<br>So! It's another Christmas song_

_Santa Claus singing on naughty snow  
>Reindeer ringing in the mistletoe<br>The manger's on fire,  
>The holly's a-glow<br>Hear the baby Jesus cryin' ho ho ho_

_Hey! It's another Christmas song  
>Yay! Another oft' returning<br>Royalty earning Christmas song  
>I've got plenty more so go buy a modem<br>Log on to iTunes and pay to download 'em  
>Pay! For another Christmas song<em>

_Chestnuts glisten on a silent night  
>Sleigh-bells kissing by candle light<br>The tree is frozen, the winter's bright  
>Who'd have thought the wise men look so white<em>

_You! Don't you wanna sing along?  
>To! My humble yule tide<br>Dreamed up pool side  
>Christmas song<br>Make it a part of your holiday canon  
>Make it the heart of my retirement plannin'<br>Do! Sing another Christmas song_

_Beat it into 'em fellows!  
>Watch my feet fly!<em>

_But wait! Who's this?_

_Young ones starving on a dead-end street  
>Taped up tabloids on their frost-bit feet<br>Hear what they carol as they huddle for heat_

_Children:__ Please help the Hedgehog Children eat._

_Whoa! Just another Christmas song  
>No! This is like no other Christmas-mother-lovin'-song<br>Public to whom I'm so proud to have pandered  
>Please save my family and make this a standard<br>Go! Join the ever-growing throng  
>Who are singing<br>And swingin'  
>While my kids are clinging to the hope<br>My register's ching-ching chinging from the cash I'm bringing  
>From another Christmas song<em>

_Copyright Mark the Hedgehog!_

Well, I better get down to the studio.

But when he opened the door, he saw a grizzly bear growling at him. He then turned to the reader and screamed in terror.

Announcer: It's a Hedgehog Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All! Starring Mark the Hedgehog, Nakita Kitsune, Yang, Mikaela the Cat, Yuck, Lee, Max, a special appearance from You-Know-Who, and Mark the Hedgehog!


	2. Have I got a Present for You

Mark: Oh no! What am I gonna do? This is terrible! I've got to get to the dojo's studio to do my Christmas special. That's where Santa brings my presents every year. If I don't, then Christmas won't come… for me. You know what? I better call Nakita and tell him what's happening. (Mark picks up the phone and dials to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Hello?

On the other end…

Nakita (dressed as a toy soldier): Hello?

Mark: Nakita!

Nakita: Mark, where are you? The rehearsals are about to start!

Mark: Nakita, I'm trapped in my cabin! There's a bear outside!

Nakita: Mark, that's terrible! Everything's ready to go. The children are dressed like elves, the dwarves are dressed up like children! It's just magical!

Mark: Nakita, I'll get there as soon as I can! You'll have to stall for me!

Nakita: I'll do my best. Oh, look! The reindeer have arrived!

Mark: Guess what, Nakita? That's actually a goat with antlers.

Nakita: No!

Mark: Yes!

Nakita (looking down at an actual goat wearing obviously fake antlers): Well, you can't tell!

(There is a knock on the door)

Mark: Nakita, I gotta go! There's someone at my door!

Nakita: Hurry, Mark, hurry!

Mark: Wait a second, how do I know that's not the bear? Say something a bear would never say!

Voice: I hate honey!

Mark: Okay, checked out. (He opens the door to reveal…) Kick-ass Woo-Foo warrior Yang?

(Applause sound effect)

Yang: Hey, Mark.

Mark: What are you doing here in the woods?

Yang: I'm hunting deer for Christmas presents.

Mark: Venison does make a great stocking stuffer!

Yang: Yes, it does. Hey, are you stringing popcorn?

Mark: Yeah! There's plenty there! You want some roasted chestnuts?

Yang: Sure, dude.

(Mark tosses some chestnuts at his "fireplace." They bounce off the TV screen.)

Yang: Now that smells like Christmas.

Mark: This is my favorite time of the year.

Yang: Me too. You know, not everyone loves Christmas like me and you.

Mark: Tell me about it.

Yang: I will. You know sometimes I go to the department store, and instead of saying "Merry Christmas" they say "Happy Holidays."

Mark: I know. Sometimes, I'll go to the supermarket, and instead of saying "Merry Christmas" the cashier will say "Come back here. You have to pay for that."

Yang: What's the world come to these days? I've even heard of this one town where they don't allow nativity scenes on the courthouse lawn.

Mark: I've heard in Station Square, it's legal to marry your Christmas tree.

Yang: Well, that's not right! And I've got something to say to the enemies of Christmas.

(Yang is then dressed as a country music star as he starts to sing)

_I can't believe what Christmas has come to today  
>All these atheists and judges trying to take it away<br>No carols in our public schools, no trees in City Hall  
>And they wish you Season's Greetings at the shopping mall<br>Ain't you sick of it all?_

_Well, there's a war on Christmas, it's under attack  
>But this year America's taking it back<br>Separate church and state, that's what some lawyer said  
>I say it's time we separated him from his head<br>You can call me un-Christian but that's not true  
>'Cause have I got a present for you <em>(Random house blows up loudly) _  
>It's the thought that counts<em>

_Christmas is as American as apple pie  
>It's a late December version of the Fourth of July<br>And they may go by a different name  
>But Uncle Sam and Santa Claus are one and the same<br>So boys take aim_

_Well, there's a war on Christmas, it's under attack  
>But this year America's taking it back<br>Separate church and state, that's what some liberal said  
>I say it's time we separated him from his head<br>You can call me un-Christian but that's not true  
>Buddy I got a present for you <em>(Shoots at the screen)_  
>I hope it's the right size<em>

_Oh say can you see this Christmas  
>Baby Jesus 'tis of thee<br>I'm placing 50 shining stars atop  
>The Statue of Liber-Tree<br>Then I'll go and jingle the Liberty Bell  
>Post Old Glory with an elf<br>And if you say I can't deck my halls  
>Then I'll deck you myself<em>

_Well, there's a war on Christmas it's under attack  
>Hey, this year Old Saint Nicholas is taking it back<br>He's firing guns from his reindeer, dropping bombs from his sled  
>This year if you were naughty, you're as good as dead<br>He wears red and white, and you can throw in blue  
>And has he got a present for you<br>And St. Yang has got one too  
>Yeah, we got a present for you<br>As in the ACLU_

_Easy Rudolph, down boy_

Anyway, that's how I feel.

Mark: Yang, you've touched my heart.

Yang: Hey, I should get going.

Mark: Right, right. Listen, Yang thanks for stopping by.

Yang: You're welcome.

Mark: Oh, look. We're under the mistletoe. Well, this is awkward.

Yang: Not so much.

(Yang walks outside as Mark waved good-bye. He suddenly runs back inside when he hears a bird chirping.)


	3. The Little Dealer Boy

(Mark is looking out his cabin window.)

Mark: Come here, Mr. Bear. I know you're out there. But I can't see a damn thing! Maybe the sun's too bright for these night vision goggles. (Puts sunglasses on the goggles) Nothing! (Turns to his nativity scene model on his piano) What am I gonna do, baby Jesus? I mean you had it so easy, with that big star over your head. Of course Santa could find you! And your mom, and your-not-your dad, and your shepherds, and your four wise men. Wait, four wise men?

Yuck: Hi, Mark.

Mark: Bossy-aggressive mutation rabbit thing, Yuck? (Applause sound effect) What are you doing in my nativity scene?

Yuck: Mark, right now I'm so high, _you're _hallucinating.

(Mark sees that his right hand has become a hoof)

Mark: Whoa.

Yuck: Don't worry, Mark. You will get your Christmas special, and Santa will find you just as we wise men found the baby Jesus with our gifts.

(Music starts)

_Yuck:__ I have no money in my coffer  
>No gold or silver do I bring<br>Nor have I precious jewels to offer  
>To celebrate the new born king<br>Yet do not spurn my gift completely  
>Oh ye three wise men please demur<br>Behold a plant that smokes more sweetly  
>Than either Frankincense or Myrrh<br>And like the child born in this manger  
>This herb is mild yet it is strong<br>And it brings peace to friend and stranger  
>Good will to men lies in this bong<em>

_Yuck:__ And now my wonder weed is flaring__  
>Mark:<em>_ Are you high?__  
>Yuck:<em>_ Looked like that special star above__  
>Mark:<em>_ Can it be?__  
>Yuck:<em>_ Pass it around in endless sharing  
><em>_Mark:__ On Christmas day__  
>Yuck:<em>_ And let not mankind bogart love__  
>Mark:<em>_ You'd smoke my tree_

_Yuck:__ And the wise men started toking  
>And ye the bud was kind<br>It was salvation they were smoking  
>And its forgiveness blew their mind<em>

_Yuck:__ And still that wonder weed is flaring  
><em>_Mark:__ Are you high?  
><em>_Yuck:__ Looked like that was once above  
><em>_Mark:__ You're so high__  
>Yuck:<em>_ Pass it around in endless sharing__  
>Mark:<em>_ Dude, man, dude  
><em>_Yuck:__ And let not mankind bogart love  
><em>_Mark:__ You're really high, I'm going to tell your Savior_

_Yuck:_ And let not mankind bogart love

(Music ends)

Mark: Yuck, I don't think that's a good Christmas present to Baby Jesus.

Yuck: Well, I have no gold to give.

Mark: What are you talking about? You have 25 gold records!

Yuck: Oh, yeah. Guess I'll take my weed back.

Nakita (on phone): Mark? Hello? Hello?

Mark: Oh, no! I left Nakita on hold! I gotta go!

Yuck: Merry Christmas, Mark!

(Mark picks up the phone.)

Mark: Nakita, I'm sorry. I just got off the phone with an imaginary Yuck. What are you doing?

(Nakita is dressed like a clown jack-in-the-box)

Nakita: We just finished the Nutcracker Suite. It was beautiful!

Mark: Nakita, how were the mice?

Nakita: They were amazing! How were you able to find real mice that could prance like that?

Mark: Guess what, Nakita? Those weren't mice. They were goats in mouse ears!

Nakita: No!

Mark: Yes.

Nakita (looking down at an actual goat wearing obviously fake Mickey Mouse ears): Well, you can't tell!

Mark: What's the next number?

Nakita: We're doing the big ice skating number next. The Jonas Brothers are going to turn my crank and I'll pop out and we'll sing "Jingle Bell Rock!"

Mark: I can't believe I'm missing that!

(There's a splashing sound in the background followed by screaming)

Nakita: Uh, oh! I gotta go, Mark! The Jonas Brothers have fallen through the ice!

Mark: Nakita, save them! At least save the cute one! You know which one I mean!

Back at the nativity scene…

(Miniature police cars are surrounding Yuck as one of the cops handcuffs him)

Yuck: Oh, the weeds not mine, officer. I'm holding it for a friend.


	4. Can I inerest you in Hanukkah?

(Mark is searching through his cabin's refrigerator)

Mark: If only I could get past that bear! I know! I'll mask my scent with blueberry syrup and salmon.

(Suddenly the door opens to reveal…)

Mark: Rabbit-Wolf Hybrid Max? (Applause sound effect) What are you doing at my cabin?

Max: I actually have a cabin up north. It's like one website over.

Mark: Oh yeah.

Max: Why are you here? Shouldn't you be at the dojo taping your Christmas special?

Mark: I can't, Max. There's a bear out there!

Max: There are no bears, Mark! You need to get to the dojo! I just heard over the radio. The Jonas Brothers have fallen through the ice.

Mark: And?

Max: They will be missed.

Mark: No!

Max: This Christmas means a lot to you, doesn't it?

Mark: It means everything Max. Without Christmas, there's nothing to calm me down after Weenie-Howl. Those ghosts are scary.

Max: You know there's another holiday this month.

Mark: Another holiday? Let's see. There's Christmas Eve, there's Christmas Day, and America's Christmas, the Fourth of July.

Max: There's one other.

(Music starts)

Max: _Can I interest you in Hanukah?  
>Maybe something in a Festival of Lights<br>It's a sensible alternative to Christmas  
>And it lasts for seven -for you – eight nights.<br>__Mark:_ Hanukkah huh? I've never really thought about it._  
>Max:<em> Well, you could do worse.

_Mark:_ _Is it merry?  
><em>_Max:_ _It's kind of merry  
><em>_Mark:_ _Is it cheery?__  
>Max:<em> _It's got some cheer__  
>Mark:<em> _Is it jolly?__  
>Max:<em> _Look, I wouldn't know from jolly.  
>But it's not my least un-favorite time of year.<em>

_Mark:_ When's it start?_  
>Max:<em> The 25th_  
>Mark:<em> Of December?_  
>Max:<em> Kislev_  
>Mark:<em> When is when exactly?  
><em>Max:<em> I will check_  
>Mark:<em> Are there presents?_  
>Max:<em> _Yes, indeed 8 days of presents  
>Which means one nice one, then a week of dreck.<em>

_Mark:_ _Does Hanukkah commemorate events profound and holy? A king who came to save the world?__  
>Max:<em> _No, oil that burned quite slowly__  
>Mark:<em> Well, it sounds fantastic!  
><em>Max:<em> There's more

_Max:_ _We have latkes__  
>Mark:<em> What are they?_  
>Max:<em> _Potato pancakes. We have dreidels__  
>Mark:<em> What are they?_  
>Max:<em> _Wooden tops. We have candles__  
>Mark:<em> What are they?_  
>Max:<em> THEY ARE CANDLES!  
><em>And when we light them, oh the fun it never stops.<em>

What do you say, Mark, do you want to give Hanukkah a try?  
><em>Mark:<em> _I'm trying see me as a Jew  
>I'm trying even harder<br>But I believe in Jesus Christ  
>So it's a real non-starter<em>

_Max:_ _I can't interest you in Hanukkah? Just a little bit?__  
>Mark:<em> _No thanks I'll pass. I'll keep Jesus, you keep your potato pancakes. But I hope that you enjoy 'em on behalf of all of the goyim.__  
>Max:<em> _Be sure to tell the Pontiff, my people say Good Yontif.__  
>Mark:<em> _That's exactly what I'll do  
><em>_Both:_ _Happy holidays, you too._

Mark: Oh, look. We're under the mistletoe. Well, this is awkward. By Christmas tradition, we're supposed to kiss.

Max: Oh, in Jewish tradition, we're supposed to (very long censor bleep) and then (Another very long censor bleep) with a lamb shank!

Mark: Well, I guess I'll pass.

Max: I should get going.

Mark: Alright. Watch out for that bear!

Max: Yeah. There's no bear.


	5. Nutmeg and Please Be Patient

(Mark is spinning the dreidel Max gave him.)

Mark: Come, gimel. Come one, gimel! (The dreidel stops spinning) Aw, shin! You win again, potato pancake. I hate this game! (There is a knock on the back door) There's someone at the back door. Nice try, Bear. (Grabs the toy lightsaber off his wall) If this can handle an Aqualish in the Mos Eisley spaceport, I'd say it could handle a grizz. (Activates the lightsaber) Come in! (The visitor opens the door and force pushes the lightsaber out of Mark's hands.) Fellow Fanfiction hero Lee? (Applause sound effect) What are you doing up here?

Lee: I'm a part-time forest ranger.

Mark: Well, you must be cold. Why don't you warm yourself by the fire and I'll get us some eggnog.

Lee: Cool. You mind if I take the mute off?

Mark: Not at all.

(Lee pushes a button on a remote. There are now crackling sounds from the "fireplace.")

Lee: Do I smell a piano?

Mark: Uh-huh. Well, down the hatch.

Lee: Wait, there's something missing.

Mark: What? There's enough rum in here to blind a pirate.

Lee: Mark, there's no nutmeg.

Mark: Lee, you don't need to have nutmeg with eggnog.

Lee: Mark, nutmeg is what puts the "nog" in eggnog.

Mark: I don't understand.

Lee: Let me put it to you like this.

(Music starts)

_Lee: __Nutmeg, Sweet, sweet Nutmeg  
>On the 25th I'm cover you with<br>My nutmeg, Ooh, my sweet brown nutmeg  
>Girl, don't make me beg<br>I want to nog your egg, yes I do_

_Girl, I'm going to rock you like a cradle  
>You lick the nutmeg off my ladle<br>It's pure, it's refined  
>And it's ready to grind<em>

_It's my nutmeg, you need my nutmeg  
>I'll sprinkle your Christmas cream with my spice supreme<em>

_Mark:_ What about allspice?_  
>Lee:<em> _You know it leaves me cold as ice  
><em>_Mark:_ Cinnamon?_  
>Lee:<em> _Don't even think of putting that stuff in__  
>Mark: <em>Cardomon?_  
>Lee:<em> _That won't let me drop my love bomb_

_No cocoa, no cloves, no vanilla, no mace  
>The only residue I want you wiping off your face is my nutmeg<br>Ooh, ooh, ooh, Nutmeg  
>You'll be happy that you ate it, yes you will<br>So grab my seed and grate it net  
>It's my nutmeg [it's his nutmeg], my nutmeg [his sweet nutmeg]<br>Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, nutmeg, ooh my nutmeg_

Mark: Wow, never heard a love song to a spice before.

Lee: What? Tony Bennet did a whole duets album with a can of oregano! (He heads to the back door)

Mark: Lee, where are you going?

Lee: Where do you think I'm going? I'm going to find a meg so I can nut it. Mark the Hedgehog, you don't understand Christmas at all! (He slams the door)

Mark: Nothing's working out this Christmas! What am I gonna do? (Mark gets down at his knees in front of his couch and clasps his hands in a praying manner) Dear Father in Heaven, I'm not a praying hedgehog, but if you're up there and can hear me, show me the way. There's a bear outside, and I don't have any nutmeg. I'm at the end of my rope. Show me the way.

(There is a heavenly wind blowing through the cabin. Suddenly the angel on top of Mark's tree comes to life to reveal Mikaela the Cat dressed as an angel)

Mikaela (to the tune of "Angels We have Heard on High): _Angels soaring through the air  
>as they did in Bethlehem<br>Angels answer every prayer  
>once they get around to them<br>Please be patient, an angel will be with thee shortly_

_Due to increased prayer amounts  
>Seraphim will have delays<br>Servicing thy prayer accounts  
>For the next five million days<br>Please be patient, an angel will be with thee shortly_

(Song ends briefly as Mark is still on "prayer hold." He is reading Land Mall Magazine. Suddenly the music resumes.)

Mikaela: _Please continue thee to hold  
>All thy ills will be relieved<br>Every human grief consoled  
>In the order' twas received<br>Please be patient, an authorized prayer technician will be with thee shortly  
>Or to save thee time, wait for the chime<em>

(There is a beep)

Mark: Uh, hi God. Mark the Hedgehog here. First-time prayer, long-time fan. Uh, please send me a Christmas miracle so I can have a Christmas special and Santa will come.

(There is a heavenly glow behind him as the Mikaela angel on his tree becomes life-size)

Mikaela: Thank you for holding. Your prayer is important to us.

Mark: Fanfiction heroine Mikaela the Cat?

(Applause sound effect. Mikaela nods in appreciation to the reader.)

Mikaela: No, I'm an angel. But I get that a lot.

Mark: Oh, I know! This is like "It's A Wonderful Life!" You've come down from Heaven to save me so you can finally earn your pair of balls!

Mikaela: Wings.

Mark: Right, whatever. Oh, look. We're under the mistletoe. Well, this is awkward. (He leans forward to kiss her, but she makes the mistletoe disappear.) Aw, shoot!

Mikaela: Mark, I'm here to grant your most heartfelt prayer.

Mark: Oh, that God will make an Oreo with the cookie in the middle?

Mikaela: No! And He wants you to stop asking for that! I mean your Christmas special.

Mark: Oh, right. The Christmas special. Of course. Man, I could really go for an Oreo right now.

Mikaela: Focus.

Mark: Sorry.

Mikaela: Hold your wish in your mind, and I'll sprinkle you with angel dust.

Mark: Um, Yuck was just here and I still got a bit of a contact high so- (Mikaela blows angel dust on his face) What?

Mikaela: Look out your window, Mark.

(Mark runs to his window to see Nakita materialize right outside.)

Mark: Nakita!

Nakita: Mark, how did I get to your mountain cabin?

Mark: It's a Christmas miracle! Oh, nothing can stop my Christmas special now!

(Suddenly the bear starts to attack Nakita. He tries to fight the bear off with the phone. Mark and Mikaela are screaming in terror.)

Mark (turning to Mikaela): You're an angel. Do something!

Mikaela: I have no power over bears! They're godless killing machines! I'm outta here! (She vanishes after throwing angel dust into the ground. On the phone, the sounds of Nakita's struggle with the bear can be heard. Mark picks it up.)

Mark: Nakita, fight him buddy! Oh! Aah! Ah! (There's a beep.) Oh, hang on Nakita. I got another call. (He switches the caller) Hello? Uh-huh. Yes, I'd love weekend delivery of the Knothole Times. Can you hold on for a moment? (Switches back to Nakita) Oh! Aah! Oh, Nakita! Are you all right?


	6. The Greatest Gift of All!

(Mark is lying down on his couch, his face covered by tinsel.)

Mark: I can't believe Nakita got himself eaten by that bear. (Blows the tinsel off) Oh, it's almost midnight. (Sits down at the table) There's no way Santa can find me now. This is the worst Christmas ever.

(Music starts)

_Mark__:_ _As I walk through  
>This wicked world<br>Searching for light in the darkness of insanity _(As he's singing, the bear creeps inside through the back door.)

_I ask myself  
>Is all hope lost?<br>Is there only pain and hatred, and misery? Ohhhh_

_Bear (In Nakita's voice):__ And each time I feel like this inside  
>There's one thing I wanna know<br>__Mark and Bear: __What's so funny bout peace love & understanding?_ (Bear growls)_  
>What's so funny bout peace love &amp; understanding?<em>

_Yang:__ And as I walked on  
>Through troubled times<br>__Mikaela:__ My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes__  
>Yuck:<em>_ So where are the strong_

_Lee:__ And who are the trusted?_  
><em>Bear:<em> _And where is the harmony?  
>Sweet harmony.<em>

_All:_ _'Cause each time I feel it slipping away, just makes me wanna cry.  
>What's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding?<br>Bear: Ohhhh_  
>All: <em>What's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding?<em>

(Music ends)

Mark: Wow, bear. I guess this is what Christmas is really all about. It's when two bitter enemies can put aside their differences for one night. (Bear nods.) Oh, look. We're under the mistletoe. Well, this is awkward. (Mark and the bear then kiss each other on the lips. When the kiss is released, the bear starts growling ferociously.) Oh no! I forgot! I'm delicious! (He runs off in a panic) I don't wanna die! (Suddenly a pair of black boots appear in the fireplace. A second later, it turns out to be…) Ageless icon of generosity and joy, Santa Claus? (Applause sound effect) Get him Santa!

Santa (who is holding a knife): Ho, ho, ho! (Begins to struggle with the bear.)

Mark: Kill him!

(Santa then stabs the bear, which falls to the floor. There is a stabbing sound. After which Santa tosses the knife and pulls up Nakita.)

Mark: Nakita!

Nakita: Thank you, Father Christmas. You got just what I wanted. The gift of not being digested by a bear.

Mark: I suppose you don't have anything for in that bag.

Santa: Mark, I'm giving you the greatest gift of all. (Hands him a wrapped package. Mark opens it to reveal…)

Mark: A published book release of this story! The one you're reading right now!

Santa: Now available at your local retailers.

Nakita: Wait, so everything that's happening right now is in that book?

Mark: Uh-huh.

Nakita: So if I say something right now, it will be in that book?

Santa: Including that question.

Nakita: Oh, Merry Christmas indeed.

Santa: Plus (in a recorded voice) 20 extra pages of bonus features, an advent calendar, and so much, much more.

Mark: It is the greatest gift of all! Thank you, Santa! And Santa, it wonderful to know you're real.

Santa: Yes, Mark. I'm just as real as you. (He removes his beard to reveal Mark's smiling face.)

Mark: You mean I'm-?

Santa: Shh. I need to go deliver all the rest of the toys to the good girls and boys.

Mark: Bye, Santa.

Nakita: Cheerio, Father Christmas.

Mark (whispering to the reader): We'll be right back.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho!


	7. Epilogue

(Mark is laying his new bearskin rug on his cabin's floor.)

Mark: Well folks, it looks like I had my Christmas special after all. I'd like to thank my friends for stopping by: Nakita Kitsune, Yang, Yuck, Max, Lee, Mikaela the Cat, and Silver the Hedgehog. I hope you enjoyed reading about me as much as I have.

(He sits down at the piano with Nakita. Nakita accidentally knocks a bell to the floor.)

Nakita: Hey, there's an old saying. "Every time a bell falls, an angel gets its balls."

Mark (looking up and giving the thumbs up): Attaboy, Mikaela.

(Mikaela gives the thumbs up.)

Nakita: You know this is one of my favorite tunes.

(Starts to play a song on the piano.)

Mark: Oh, I know this one.

_Nakita: __There are cynics, there are skeptics  
>There are legions of dispassionate dyspeptics<br>Who regard this time of year as a maudlin insincere  
>Cheesy crass commercial travesty of all that we hold dear<em>_  
>Mark:<em> _When they think that  
>Well, I can hear it<br>But I pity them their lack of Christmas spirit  
>For in a world like ours, take it from Stephen<br>There are much worse things to believe in._

_Nakita:_ _A redeemer and a savior, an obese man giving toys for good behavior_  
><em>Mark:<em> _The faith in what might be and the hope that we might see  
>The answer to all sorrow in a box beneath the tree<br>Find them foolish  
><em>_Nakita:_ _Sentimental  
><em>_Mark:_ _Well you're clearly none too bright_  
><em>Both:<em> _So we'll be gentle  
><em>_Mark:_ _Don't even try to start vaguely conceiving  
><em>_Both:_ _Of all much worse things to believe in_

_Mark:_ _Believe in the judgment, believe in Jihad  
>Believe in a thousand variations on a dark and spiteful god<br>__Nakita:_ _You've got your money, you've got your power  
>You've got your science, and all the planets going to end within the hour<em>_  
>Mark:<em> _You've got your dreams that don't come true  
><em>_Nakita:_ _You've got the ones that do__  
>Mark:<em> _Then you've got your nothing  
><em>_Both:_ _Some folks believe in nothing  
>But if you believe in nothing<br>Then what's to keep the nothing from coming for you_

_Mark:_ _Merry Christmas, Happy New Year  
>Now if you'll forgive me there's a lot to do here<br>There are stockings still unhung  
>Colored lights I haven't strung<br>__Nakita:_ _And a one-man four-part Christmas carol waiting to be sung__  
>Mark:<em> _Call me silly, call me sappy  
>Call me many things, the first of which is happy<br>You doubt, but you're sad  
>I don't, but I'm glad<br>__Both:_ _I guess we're even__  
>Mark:<em> _At least that's what I believe in  
><em>_Both:_ _And there are much worse things_

(Song ends)

Mark: Good night, everyone!


End file.
